Thou Shalt Not Forget to tune in

Dear ITV,


I am writing to you today to congratulate you on your current choice of programming; A selection of shows so incredibly dumbed down that I can actually feel my IQ soaring upon merely tuning it.

Forget therapy, a moral compass or quality education this is 'Life Affirming Television' for the masses.

Take “Take Me Out” for example, the new dating show in which you have cleverly managed to blend Blind Date with a generous helping of St Tropez and a healthy dose of humiliation.

An instant fix of self-esteem for singletons across the country, though a promotional avenue I feel as a concerned consumer, you’re missing a trick in not currently utilising.
In fact I’d go as far as to suggest that your description in the TV Times should in future simply read;

“That could be you up there, clapping along to what you would have yourself believe is the R&B music when in fact you know deep down it’s actually your ticking biological clock. It could be, but it’s not, celebrate by tuning into ITV this Saturday at 9pm”

Though I don’t suppose you’ve had chance to catch any of this series yet have you?
Not with the prospective contestant hunting you’ve had to do; after all those rocks wont overturn themselves will they.

For those of you unfortunately unfamiliar, Take Me Out comprises of Thirty Single, Desolate and ill advised blue eye shadow toting women dolled up in River Islands finest, standing behind a row of podiums each equip with an all important light.

A Performing Monkey, Potential Suitor, then arrives in the "Love Lift" to a specific, and often hilariously unwisely selected piece of music before he performs his "talents" for the line of women in incorrectly sized dresses.

One bloke actually balanced a ball on his head like a seal last week,
I shit thee not, on National television.


As these testosterone riddled halfwits perform the women signal then their interest by either keeping the light on their podium on or turning it off, thus explaining the basis of the shows catchphrase "No Likey, No Lighty"

Inspiring stuff I think you’ll agree.

All of this is then followed by the increasingly Northern host Patrick McGuinness, essentially Cilla Black with an even more unbearable accent, interviewing the women on their decision to want, or not in most cases, to sleep with the dancing fool in front of them.

In conclusion which ever aspiring WAG has her light on at the end of the final round the monkey gets to go out with, lucky him, at which point we get to look forward to watching their date, aired the following week, in which both parties awkwardly discover they have absolutely nothing in common, live at opposite ends of the country and slowly realise the likely hood of dating someone who you attracted by balancing a ball on your head and strutting around to Akon in front of a mocking nation was not going to form the basis of a serious relationship.

ITV I applaud you this is truly the work of geniuses.