Thou Shalt Not Forget to look twice

Dear Unilever,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news to teenaged boys the country over, I do, but I feel it’s my duty to dispel the latest Lynx advert myth that you have created before we see a repeat of the 2007 Lynx Lift Ad fallout, whereby women across the nation were expected to dole out sexual favors in lifts upon the mere whiff of what smells to any woman over the age of 18 like High School locker rooms, Embarrassing teenage sexual experimentation and Desperate adolescent boys.

The very same women that this time round you would have the Nation believe carry out the mind numbing task that is the weekly shop clad only in our best draws; Despite the fact that our desire to display our undies to everyone else in Sainsbury’s is particularly unaffected by the halfwit peacocking up and down the aisles toting a newly acquired, and frankly pointless, ‘Borrowers’-esque size can of Lynx.

I understand the notion of “suspension of belief” I do and I can even almost forgive you for the semi naked weekly shop drivel but trying to have me believe that The Saturdays’ fragrance of choice is Impulse is frankly beyond any suspension I can muster.

Come now; is it not common knowledge that The Saturdays all use “Au Du Boyband Boyfriend” anyway?
The starlet fragrance of choice made using only the perfumed tears of heartbroken female JLS and McFly fans the country over.

And even if, heaven forbid, they ran dry of that but there is always; “Eau de Auto Tune” and “Eau de Distinct Lack of Talent" their new signature perfume created using only their deep seated fears of being ousted as the talentless mannequins they really are” to douse themselves with before I imagine they would turn to the puzzling and frankly nauseating medley of smells that is Impulse.

As baffling as their agents decision to accept your endorsement proposal was, akin only in fact to the inexplicable situation which saw Kerry Katona genuinely believe she had a career to attempt to revive, is the even more bewildering classification of said offending spray. As you freely admit it’s not a deodorant, anyone with a sense of smell would be able to say with a degree of certainty that it’s not a perfume and despite "Frankie’s" trusty recommendation it’s still pretty much guaranteed to make you smell like a puberty and pocket money. What then, in the name of all things Smash Hits, is this canned hogwash?\

A concern that I had to temporarily shelve recently in favour of a more pressing matter; that of the troubling nightclub toilet situation that appears to have arisen recently.
A situation that I am convinced is thanks in part to your campaign of soft focus half-truths and trendy haircuts.

A state of affairs that sees the very same women who are expected to nip to the shop for something as humdrum as a pint of milk in their Agent Provocateur’s now also having to face dodging various hysterical or excessively inebriated women clad in New Looks finest, two sizes too small, lining the mirrors of their local watering hole spraying every inch of their mahogany stained selves with Frankie’s “favourite” body spray.

A situation, coupled with one too many multi coloured shots, that lead to the manifestation of my despair in a protest along the following lines last Friday evening:

"Excuse me Love,


Could you do me a favour and spray that Ozone destroying canned cat piss away from me please?
Its just that I'm actually wearing perfume, you know the kind that doesn't come in a can, and I would much rather smell of that when I leave these god forsaken premises than something even my 11 year old self thought was rancid,

Cheers"


Thus I am writing today to request that you consider including a heath and safety warning in any such future advertising campaigns as me and my shiny new black eye and are looking at you, no pun intended, for the aforementioned chain of events.



P.S Whilst were on the subject of baffling celebrity endorsements;

JLS Condoms

I’m confused, is the packaging of condoms alone now contraception enough?