Thou shalt not garden to such an excess

Uncharacteristically polite dealer: "Can I interest you in some MCat?"
Me:"I'm sorry but I have no idea what that is"
Dealer:"Oh its similar to Ketamine, its a Fertilizer"
Me: "Do I look like I need to be Fertilized?!"

Cue a baffled look from the aforementioned overly polite drug dealer who was now unsure as to whether i was insulting or coming onto him.

Note to self; You are not quick witted enough for real life one liners. Using them only causes confusion and more often than not an awkward silence, stop trying.

It did however illustrate how old I'm getting; I don't even know what people are putting up their noses anymore, instead i prefer to attend parties cradling a 3 litre bottle of Strongbow as if it were the child that society expects me to have produced by now.

This said, I am a firm believer in personal preference and I couldn't care less what you put up your nose, sniff off a toilet seat or rub into your eyeballs with two exceptions:

If the latter makes you;

a. Vomit on my shoes; this is unacceptable, always. I will be quite cross.

b. Attempt a somewhat insightful conversation with me after sniffing, snorting or popping said substances to an idiotic excess;

Excuse me if I find it difficult to concentrate on your witty anecdote when your eyes are rolling in 4 different directions, your mouth has begun to resemble that of a blithering idiot and your body looks like I gave up and went home hours ago. I don't mean to be rude but may I suggest you do the same.