Thou shalt not date on national television

Life affirming television is surely what Sundays were made for.

Hungover and full of regret about the night before?
Fear not ITV have come up with the perfect remedy in the form of "Take Me Out" a new "dating" show that can only be described as Blind Date with an generous helping of fake tan and humiliation.

30 single, desperate and mahogany coloured women dolled up in River Islands finest all stand behind podiums that have a light attached to the front. These lights are used to signal their attraction to the performing monkey male, who arrives in the "Love Lift" to performs his "talents" for the line of women in incorrectly sized dresses.

One guy actually balanced a ball on his head like a seal, for real, I shit you not, on national television.

As these bling riddled morons perform the women signal their interest by either keeping their light on or turning it off, hence the catchphrase "No likey no lighty" Inspiring stuff indeed.

All this is then followed by the increasingly northern host Patrick "about as funny as a stroke" McGuinness interviewing the women on their decision to want (or not) to sleep with the dancing fool in front of them and Im pleased to report that these women are as thick as they look, making my viewing experience that much better than I had originally anticipated, Good work ITV.

Whoever has the light on at the end the monkey gets to go out with, lucky him, at which point we get to watch both parties awkwardly discovering they have absolutely nothing in common and live at opposite ends of the country.

ITV I applaud you this is truly the work of geniuses.